Following the Tyson vs. Paul fight and its massive viewership, Netflix has announced its next boxing match: Joseph “You Ain’t Black” Biden vs. Donald J. “Tiny Hands” Trump. The fight will take place on January 21st at AT&T Stadium. Netflix said the loser will probably die from natural causes, and the winner will be mauled by a self-aware Skynet robot. The stipulations of the fight are as follows:
5 rounds lasting 2 minutes each
20 oz. gloves will be worn
The Secret Service will not be allowed to intervene
1 knockdown rule (because let’s be serious)
Both men are well past their fighting age, but their enthusiasm to get in the ring has not stopped. Biden reportedly has been falling off his bike to prepare for potential falls in the ring. Trump has also been yelling “The fight is fixed!” in the event of a loss. While both training camps have been at odds leading up to the fight, one thing they have agreed on: is the time of the battle. Most major card fights are late in the evening, however, this fight will be slated for 3 PM out of respect for each of their 7 PM sleep time. It is also reported the undercard bouts scheduled are Alexandria “The Shill” Ocasio Cortez vs. Marjorie “Climate Denier” Taylor Greene, and JD “Loverboy” Vance vs. a three-piece sectional couch.
The fight has also drawn some major league sponsorship. AARP, Depends and Centrum Sliver have been tapped to participate. Fans of each have shown mixed emotions leading up to the fight. “I thought Biden was in the DNC cryogenic freeze chamber to run in 2040, well…glad to hear he’s still active!” said one Biden fan. “Trump is gonna fuck him up, bro! I don’t give a fuck! What? You wanna fight me?!” said a Trump fan regarding the fight.
The event expects to draw a record number of viewers, only to be let down by Netflix’s signature crash while viewing.