Donald Trump’s presidential election victory earlier this month rocked the Democratic Party to its core. And now, party leaders have already begun unifying behind a bold new 2028 presidential race strategy—making their next candidate, Nancy Pelosi, the presumptive nominee before President-Elect Trump is sworn into office.
In an official statement released by the DNC this morning, party officials revealed they’ve already nominated their 2028 presidential contender. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will begin fundraising for a 2028 presidential bid in the coming days. And this surprising move breaks from a longstanding tradition of Democrats picking their favorite candidates behind closed doors.
“The 2024 election results dealt us a real system shock,” explains DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. “We figured the race was in the bag. I mean, Americans would surely remember what a shit-show Trump was the first time around, right? Biden was bad but not, like, ‘tossing paper towels to brown people in a hurricane’ bad. But we were wrong. Way, way wrong.”
“We realize our party is in trouble. Today’s young voters are less engaged and less interested in the political process than any generation prior. So we’re attempting a bold new strategy. It’s a word called ‘transparency.’ I wasn’t super aware of that word before a week ago, but I think this could work. This could save our party. So we put this statement out. We’ll try this ‘transparency’ thing and see how it works.”
Here’s a copy of the full statement:
We, the Democratic Party, Will Fight Harder For You In 2028. And Our Future Begins Today.
After Donald J. Trump’s decisive win, it has come to our attention, as a party, that we can and must do better. We owe it to ourselves to pave a better and more realistic path to victory in 2028. We want to be more transparent in our processes, and afford our next candidate greater opportunities for fundraising and placing themselves in the collective consciousness of American voters.
And so, it is our great pleasure to announce to you that the Democratic nominee for the 2028 presidential election has already been chosen. And her campaign is beginning today. In 2028, the DNC will proudly nominate Nancy Pelosi to lead our nation into a brighter, better post-Trump future.
What’s more, we want to show you, the American people, that the Democratic Party is listening to everyday people, even the ones who don’t really matter to us, like you. We understand that some Democrats were unreasonably upset that we anointed Kamala Harris without primaries or caucuses. So we’ve decided to be more transparent in our methodologies for nominating presidential candidates. And we hope this will help us build some undeserved trust with you, “the people”, as we begin this new chapter together.
The old nomination process …
Regrettably, we must admit that our presidential nomination process had been less than honest in the past. The primary races we’ve held in recent decades have been acts of pageantry, and little else.
Traditionally, we’ve relied on a list of Democratic Party favorites chosen behind closed doors—usually at an excessively damp Eyes Wide Shut sex party where we take over and ruin a K Street office building. We then parade our nominee around in an artificial presidential primary, knowing full well who our party has already chosen.
This process has failed us many times in the past. Al Gore, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton twice—we should’ve learned our lesson earlier. It was Biden’s turn in 2020, and that worked out well so far as the election was concerned. But then Joe dozed off during a meeting with party leadership. That he fell asleep wasn’t a problem. But waking up while literally pooping himself and screaming the N-word three times because he thought a black guy was taking his seat on the Amtrak train to Scranton? That was a bit much, even for us.
Kamala Harris was slated to have her turn in 2028, after Biden’s second term. But the aforementioned incident, coupled with his frequent lapses of memory where he’d ask “Is this Delaware?” left us with no choice but to push up Kamala’s nomination to 2024. And clearly, that was a serious miscalculation with lasting implications.
Our new process and the nomination of Nancy Pelosi
So we’re going to come clean with you, America. We’re going to be more transparent than ever before. We’re going to skip these farcical primaries and caucuses. And we’re going to stop pretending like we’re surprised when the candidates we choose months or even years earlier “win” the “primary”.
In 2028, it’s Nancy Pelosi’s turn. She’ll be 88 years young, and fully prepared to lead this country with vim and vigor. She’s a 21st century candidate, fully prepared to guide us into a better tomorrow. And her grandkids are on standby with all of her logins and passwords, too. Those glowing flower GIFs that say “love you!” aren’t going to send themselves.
In the coming days, you can expect to see Nancy Pelosi taking center stage in our party’s fight to uphold justice and accountability. With Nancy at the helm, our party will be well positioned to thwart the Trump agenda with what little power our party has left on Capitol Hill. And she’s running early enough to campaign, fundraise, and prepare herself for what will surely be an incredibly close slog against Ron DeSantis or J.D. “I don’t mind sleeping on the couch” Vance where we’ll only pay attention to the polls we like and blame it all on black voters when it doesn’t go our way.
2028 is in the future, and so is Nancy Pelosi. It’s Nancy’s turn. America’s turn. And together, we can make a difference. Probably.
