A defense attorney representing Matt Gaetz took to CNN to defend his client this morning, calling recent allegations of sexual misconduct “bold faced lies” and labeling them “ludicrous and baseless.”
Gaetz, who was recently chosen by President-Elect Donald Trump to serve as Attorney General, was accused in 2021 of having sex with an underage girl and being involved in sex trafficking. But attorney and long-time friend Brian White dismissed those claims out of hand following a heated debate over whether Gaetz is qualified for the title.
“Look, I’m not going to give these bold faced lies any more airtime,” said White. “[Gaetz] had a brief relationship with a coal miner. And not only was she not underage, she’s actually been retired from mining for quite some time. This woman is 76 years old. And yes, it was a consensual relationship. That old biddy knew what she was getting herself into. And if the seriously disgusting things [Gaetz] told me were true, this woman absolutely, positively had all of her mental facilities and whatnot.”
Lawyer: Matt Gaetz is ‘way too ugly’ to sleep with anyone else
CNN’s Dana Bash pushed back, arguing that earlier reports indicated Gaetz had sex with an underage girl. “That lady wasn’t underage. He showed me a photo of her face, and then a dozen photos I’d give anything to unsee.”
“He met her during this Republican event in Pennsylvania, visiting some small town bar,” White unfortunately continued. “She wasn’t into him at first, but after drinking pretty much nonstop all night, she was starting to say he looked like ‘Ben Affleck.’ I don’t know how much alcohol that takes. I mean, I say this as a friend, but Matt Gaetz is one seriously ugly dude.
“He looks like nineteen squirrels in a human costume struggling to get the face right. Like his nose saw the rest of him and it’s trying to yeet itself away to safety. No woman in their right mind would go near him, not even for money. But put enough drinks in a lady who looks and talks like Tom Waits and hasn’t been touched below the belt since Bush’s first term, and anything is possible.”
White was asked if Gaetz and the unidentified senior had been in contact since their first encounter. “Shit no. She’s ducking him like she owes him money. And can you blame her? This man looks like a rodent and he’s hung like one, too. And look, everyone makes mistakes. I think this nice old lady’s been through enough already. The last thing she needs is for her bingo friends to hear about this. Gaetz is guilty of a lot of things, but sleeping with a minor? No way. She was a miner. And if I have to hear him refer to himself as her ‘little canary’ one more time I’ll blow my fucking brains out.”
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