After facing mounting concerns over his mounting of an underage sex-trafficked child, Matt Gaetz is finally pulling out. And by that, we mean he’s officially announced an end to his candidacy as Trump’s Department of Justice pick.
In a statement we’re making up because American Muck is a satire site and this is edging a little too closely to a real news story, Gaetz reiterated his innocence and repeated earlier claims that he’d had sex with a miner, not a minor.
It is with tremendous regret I withdraw my candidacy. I will not be joining the other sexual predators, conspiracy lunatics, and abject morons who make up Donald Trump’s cabinet of degenerate smoke-blowing sociopaths. I was really excited to help Trump eradicate civil liberties and silence everyone who complained about it. It’s a sad day when a man gets persecuted unfairly for sexual preferences, but that’s just how white men are oppressed these days, am I right?”
“For the record, I never had sex with a minor. As I said before, she was a miner. Do you really think anyone under the age of 60 would want me climbing onto them, saying ‘I need TP for my bunghole’ while thrusting a semi-flaccid cashew into them shouting ‘heh heh, yeah yeah! Boners rule!’ the whole time? Not even a sex slave would go through that. Just look at my face. Look at it. LOOK AT MY FACE! Do I really need to spell it out any more?
Matt Gaetz lands first bookdeal as departing Trump cabinet member
It’s not all bad news for Gaetz, who has reportedly already lined up a book deal. This will make him the first of many, many Trump picks who will write whole novels expressing why voters made a highly regrettable decision in electing him to office, just as we saw over and over and over and over again throughout and after Trump’s first term.
Oppression: How White Americans Face more than Slaves Did by Matt Gaetz is due for release this spring. Be sure to get yours before it’s discontinued after only moving seven copies.
