President-Elect Donald Trump is safe, recovering, and in good spirits following his latest assassination attempt. And the Secret Service has now confirmed that this new assailant has not only been slain, but was partially digested and pooped out as well.
Late last evening, while housing a whole bucket of KFC chicken and watching Fox News coverage about himself, Trump was attacked by a rogue chicken bone that attempted to asphyxiate the 78-year old slumlord from Queens.
Witnesses report Trump was “laughing hysterically” while watching “comedian” Greg Gutfeld on Fox News, when he suddenly began coughing, gasping, and turning purple. Two Secret Service agents then leapt onto the coffee table in an effort to tackle what remained of the bucket of chicken, accidentally knocking Trump just hard enough to dislodge the bone from his gullet.
Agents reportedly shot the chicken bone nineteen times before Trump rose from the sofa, victoriously pumping his fist in the air as agents rushed him from the chaotic scene. Two witnesses say an agent also shot the TV in an effort to quote “make Greg Gutfeld stop trying to be funny” because it was “depressing as hell to watch.”
Melania Trump speaks out after chicken bone assassination attempt
Witnesses say former/ soon-to-be First Lady Melania Trump was seated beside Mr. Trump during the ordeal, and allegedly looked “elated” when the convicted felon began to choke. “Honestly, that was the first time I’ve seen her smile in several years,” said one anonymous source close to the Trump family. “She just sort of smirked and then got up and walked away. I think I heard her say ‘finally’ under her breath, but I can’t be sure.”
Melania Trump was quick to dismiss this allegation in a statement sent to us by her publicist.
I am devoted wife. Am good wife. I would not abandon Donald in such a way as dis. I love my husband so much. When he stumbles into bedroom with two inches at half mast and rolls onto me, I am happy wife. Even when he says other names of other woman I am happy wife. So happy. I cannot tell you how happy I am. Why would I do this? What would I gain from him choking on chicken bone? Apart from freedom and what little money he still has. Apart from chance to make new life for myself and marry for love and never have to hear him talk about how much he hates Eric Trump again. Tell me, what would I gain if I lost husband?
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Trump alleges Iranian connection to chicken ordeal with mention of KFC CEO Sabir Sami
Several hours after the chicken attack, Trump took to his social media network, Truth Social, publishing a furious post where he blamed Iran for the assassination attempt.
“You know, KFC is run by a guy called Sabir Sami. That sounds awfully IRANIAN to me,” Trump wrote. “It’s not a stretch to think IRAN made this chicken really delicious just for me. They get me hooked on the stuff and then WHAM, I start choking. It’s a TERROR attack! KFC isn’t sending their best people. I beat that chicken bone like I beat crooked Hillary and crazy Kamala. And pretty soon I’m going to beat Iran too. You watch! You watch!”
KFC responded to Trump’s post with a statement of their own, published on X (formerly Twitter) before it was removed an hour later:
CEO Sabir Sami was born in Pakistan, not Iran, you fat ignorant racist piece of spray-tanned toupeed dog shit. And it’s too bad Melania didn’t have a piece of our chicken. That would’ve been the biggest bone inserted into her body since she took that pool boy for a ride in 2013. And you thought our eleven herbs and spices are tasty? We applaud Melania for walking away. We just wish she tossed some paper towels at that knuckle dragging, mouth breathing heap of subhuman trash before she left.
KFC could not be reached for further comment.
